Arranged Marriages
It is part of the Buddhist tradition for parents to find a suitable wife for their sons. This is given as one of the duties of Parents to their sons in the Siṅgāla Sutta.
“In five ways, householder’s son, the parents ministered to as the east by a son show him compassion. They restrain him from evil, they exhort him to do good, they train him to acquire skills, they seek a suitable wife for him, they give him his inheritance when the time comes. In these five ways, householder’s son, the parents ministered to as the east by a son show him compassion. Thus the eastern direction is made secure, peaceful, and free from dangers.”
It does not mention daughters, perhaps because the discourse was given by the Buddha to a young man, but the tradition seems to be just as much that parents seek a suitable husband for their daughters. As long as the parents’ role is only advisory, and not imposed on the children, all is well. It may be a much less hazardous method than dating apps, and meeting potential mates in bars and clubs, or on holidays for young people.
Forced Marriages
Definitely, young people should not be forced into marriage against their will, and parents should support their children if they choose their own marriage partner, or choose not to get married. Forcing someone into marriage is condoning rape, and rightly illegal in the UK. Nevertheless, it is difficult for young Asian people to reject the advice of their parents due to valid cultural reasons of respect for elders, gratitude, and loyalty to one’s parents.
Ancient Brahmin Practices
It seems clear that arranged marriages were the norm in the time of the Buddha. His chief female disciple, Visākhā, had an arranged marriage with the son of Migāra, who was a supporter of the naked ascetics. However, since she was a Stream-winner, and very strong-minded, she was able to convert her father-in-law and her husband to become followers of the Buddha, so all turn out for the good.
In the Soṇa Sutta, the Buddha taught the monks about the ancient Brahmin practices, wherein men and women only married by mutual affection. No deals were made to arrange marriages without consent of the young couple.
- “Monks, these five ancient Brahmin practices are now practised by dogs, not by Brahmins. What five?
“Formerly, monks, Brahmins only coupled with Brahmin women, not with non-Brahmin women. Now, monks, Brahmins couple with Brahmin women and also with non-Brahmin women. Now, monks, dogs couple only with female dogs, not with other animals. This, monks is the first ancient practice of Brahmins that is now practised by dogs, not by Brahmins. - “Formerly, monks, Brahmins only coupled with Brahmin women when they were in season, not when they were not in season. Now, monks, Brahmins couple with Brahmin women when they are in season, and also when they are not in season. Now, monks, dogs only couple with female dogs when they are in season, not when they are not in season. This, monks, is the second ancient practice of Brahmins that is now practised by dogs, not by Brahmins.
- “Formerly, monks, Brahmins neither bought nor sold Brahmin women, they lived together and bonded to continue the family line only through mutual affection. Now, monks, Brahmins also buy and sell Brahmin women, they do not live together and bond to continue the family line only through mutual affection. Now, monks, dogs neither buy nor sell female dogs, they live together and bond to continue the family line only through mutual affection. This, monks, is the third Brahmin practice that is now practised by dogs, not by Brahmins.
- “Formerly, monks, Brahmins did not store up wealth, grain, silver, and gold. Now, monks, Brahmins store up wealth, grain, silver, and gold. Now, monks, dogs do not store up wealth, grain, silver, or gold. This, monks, is the fourth ancient practice of Brahmins that is now practised by dogs, not by Brahmins.
- “Formerly, monks, Brahmins sought food for their morning meal in the morning and for their evening meal in the evening. Now, monks, Brahmins having eaten as much as their bellies will hold, leave taking away the left-overs. Now, monks, dogs seek food for their morning meal in the morning and for their evening meal in the evening. This, monks, is the fifth ancient practice of Brahmins that is now practised by dogs, not by Brahmins.
Reference: Soṇa Sutta, A.ii.221, Book of Fives
